LINK: www.lifehacker.com

Your computer is so loaded with freeware it's not even funny.  Your program files directory is filthier than a scrotum on a six-day camping trip, only with more dirty crevices that haven't seen the light of day for quite some time.

Still, you consider yourself a master of your machine, but you couldn't navigate a command line if you tried and are very nervous about Linux you talk about Ubuntu as if it will solve nuclear disarmament and global warming in one fell swoop. 
-Sergej