LINK:  http://www.evite.com

Dear evite,

Please tell me—how the fuck are you still around?  It's been nearly 10 years since you launched, and you haven't added a single feature or modification to your broke-ass website.  Does anyone even work there?  Are you having difficulties finding programmers who still know COBOL or whatever the heck language your site is coded in?

Maybe I'm just jealous because most industries have competition where functionality and quality drive people to innovate, yet you've managed to find the one space where apparently no one gives a fuck.  Lucky you and your bullshit ad revenue.  Every retard I know who throws a birthday party, briss, or circle jerk still uses your antiquated service; your mediocrity is inescapable, and it infuriates me.

You're like a used condom, evite—people shouldn't use you, but, out of sloth, they still do.  Actually, you're like a used condom with an ugly logo and horrible design.  Tell me—does anyone actually carpool?  Is it really necessary that you allow people to change "Yes, I'm coming" to "BRINGING THE PAIN!"?

I don't really have any suggestions for you, evite, I just kind of wish you'd altogether disappear.  Hell, I'll even throw you a going away party, and we'll send out evites to everyone in some sort of ironic last hurrah.  How 'bout it, eh?  I'll bring the booze, and to show just how psyched I am that you're leaving, I'll even help out by carpooling.
-Sisterfucker