Submitted to Waxing Judgmental by Rich Glennon

You’ve seen all the fine girls going around the Santa Monica Whole Foods.  Athletic, liberal, affluent, and always donning the hideous (but strangely intriguing) oversized sunglasses - the female Whole Foods shopper is one of the most elusive creatures in the meat market.  With a Bachelor degree in marketing, stiletto heels, and strong opinions regarding the upcoming Democratic primaries, her scent is a lustful aroma - with hints of the sanitizing solution used on the machines at Equinox Gym and the air freshener in her Prius.  As such, you, the bumbling, poor college graduate, would normally have a better shot of getting a promotion at the entertainment company (where you work as a jizz-rag assistant) than sleeping with one of these slender forest nymphs.

However, everyone at Whole Foods will judge you by examining the contents of your cart.  The food you buy is more crucial of a first impression than the clothes you wear.  Therefore, in order to impress the Whole Foods ladies, you need to (at least pretend to) buy the “right foods.”  So please pay close attention.  There are healthy, organic foods… and then there are SEXY healthy, organic foods.  So hide the beef jerky and keep these SEXY foods at the top of your cart and watch the girls melt like pasteurized egg whites.

• Quinoa:  Although it’s a carb (eek!), it’s a trendy carb.  If any one asks, say that you acquired the taste for quinoa while working on volunteering at an alpaca farm in rural Bolivia.  If you can’t get laid with that story you might as well shop with the fatties at Costco.
• Seitan:  If you are the type of guy that prefers boring old missionary position sex then you might as well just pick up a container of extra-firm tofu.  But get seitan if you want to attract a wild, face-down-ass-up kind of vegan chick.
• Pomegranate Juice:  It’s like the new-age equivalent of a maraschino cherry jar aphrodisiac.  Seeing a bottle of this in your cart, an “innocent” shopper will immediately envision you pouring the rich, red, passionate antioxidants all over her naked body.
• Microgreens:  This obscure green will make you seem mysterious.  The girls will think, “hmm… I wonder what he is going to do with the microgreens.  Is he going to make a healthy salad?  Is he going to put it on a sandwich?  I don’t think they sell this at Trader Joe’s.  I have not yet heard Rachel Ray talk about this… what does he know that I do not?  Is he going to vote for Obama or Hilary?” 
• Sriracha:  Actually tastier than Frank’s Red Hot, this will make you seem worldly.  Just please do not mention that you learned about sriracha during one of your many trips to Bangkok.  She will probably suspect you are a pedophile. 
• Wheatgrass:  Supposedly with ejaculate-taste-changing qualities (thank you Sex and the City), wheatgrass is worth carrying around for the possibility of attracting a woman who always wanted to give head to a lawn mower. 

With the mere impression that you enjoy eating these items, you will hopefully benefit from the ulterior motives of liking natural foods.