Submitted to Waxing Judgmental by Davina Goldman

This really shouldn’t be so difficult.  In fact, the idea seems so obvious that the fact that it HASN’T happened yet is somewhat disconcerting.  How is it possible that while we are living in the era of outlandish female celebrity exposure, our Hollywood media has yet to give us one good Jew girl that we can all admire and mimic?

I’m not saying that the antics of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears aren’t amusing in a crazy, goyim way.  But, we have no desire to imitate their drunk-driving, line-snorting, guy-swapping behavior like the way that some of our other Christmas celebrating friends might.  We need a pretty (finally in a conventional way) Jewish celebrity who always says what is on her mind (always witty), is good at controlling her polite boyfriend, has great hair, great shoes, and is best friends with her mother.  That is who we want to be!  We’re not that hard to figure out!  When it comes to our celebrity idols give us neurotics, not narcotics! 

The Jew boys have it so much easier.  Look who they can look up to:  Adam Sandler, Jeremy Piven, Adrien Brody, Sasha Baron Cohen, Ben Stiller, Seth Green, Adam Levine, Zach Braff, Jon Stewart, Paul Rudd, Joaquin Phoenix, Jack Black, Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman, etc.  And that is not even counting the “classic” male Jewish celebs like Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Steven Spielberg, Paul Newman, etc.

All we have is Sarah Jessica Parker. 

Of course we do not want to diminish the influence that Sarah Jessica Parker (aka G-ddess) had (and perhaps still has) on our lives.  But we own the DVD of every Sex and the City episode and can recite all of the dialogue in our sleep.  Not to mention that SJP’s personal life is way different and less exciting than her scripted life as Carrie.  So we need someone new, and we need someone real!  Who can we fantasize to be as we walk hand-in-hand down Rodeo Drive with Adam Brody?

It is not to say that Hollywood has not provided some half-assed attempts; but none of them feel completely right.:

Sarah Silverman: Cute, witty, and proud of her religion.  But way too vulgar, we can’t watch her with Bubbie.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler:  It doesn’t really count when everyone assumes you are Italian.
Alicia Silverstone: Oh what could have been!  Such a shame that she developed a dark side and “Jewy mom body” way too early in her career.
Sarah Michelle Gellar:  So close.  She is pretty, and was so perfect in Cruel Intentions.  But I can’t go to the stylist and ask to get the “vampire slayer” haircut!
Brook Burke:  Hot.  Fashionable.  But does she have a personality at all?
Wynona Ryder:  We prefer silly, not full-on crazy!
Kate Hudson:  Hmmm… She is adorable, spunky, and obviously loves her mother.  But she cares more about… like… Venice Beach stuff than like The Hamptons type of stuff.  She’s also blonde.  Still though, she has potential. 
Pink:  Oy vey!

Do you see what we have to work with here?  Why is this so difficult?  Maybe we ought to create a hybrid from scratch… like Rachel Weisz’ face, with Tina Fey’s personality, Scarlett Johannson’s style, Maggie Gyllenhaal’s pedigree, and plays Anne Hathaway type of roles and… like still has time to be involved with ACLU and care for Darfur and stuff like that.

Oh this is hopeless we’ll never have our generation’s version of Bette Midler or Barbara Streisand.  Sigh… I guess I’ll just go and watch Garden State for like the fiftieth…

Oh wait…

Shit. 

I totally forgot.

Natalie Portman…

We have Natalie Portman…




OK.  She’ll do.