Submitted to Waxing Judgmental by Harish Singh

I actually really like extreme sports.

Although I am not athletic enough to enjoyably participate in any of them, I like watching them on TV and reading about them in magazines.   I greatly admire Kelly Slater's freakish ability, Tony Hawk's longevity, Travis Pastrana's bravery, and Shaun White's charisma.  It is EXTREME and it is AWESOME! 

However, what I cannot stand about extreme sports are the fans.

It was not always this way though.  Remember when surfers were lovable (Surf Ninjas, Point Break, Jeff Spicoli, etc.) and skateboarders were adorable (Bart Simpson, Skate or Die, etc.)?   But, somehow during the past fifteen years the adrenaline-rush devotees have become completely unlikable shitheads.  I am not sure why these activities draw legions of mindless, self-absorbed, alternative-yet-conformist followers.   Even though every major sport has its share of awful fans, it seems as if extreme sports are solely supported by the most obnoxious people on the planet.

Perhaps my hatred stems from when I got beat up in ninth grade because I called Kevin Lynch a "poseur" for wearing No Fear and Stussy t-shirts.   We lived in the Detroit suburbs and stupid Kevin had never even been to an ocean in his life.  So what right did he have for wearing surfing brands, growing his hair long, calling everyone "dude" and making out with Kelly Gibson?!  Dickhead.

I guess I had to get used to the fact that many of my peers could be so influenced by cultural fads that they would shell out a great deal of money on apparel that would never be used to its full potential (but apparently looked cool).   I remember one kid who was so proud of his new board shorts because it had a plastic saw that was intended for cutting a surf cord in the event of emergency.   I also remember feeling very pleased when that kid was suspended from school because the teacher thought the saw was a concealed weapon.  Haha stupid dyed-hair jerk-off!

But the "surfer dudes" were never the worst.  As a whole, they were douchey, harmless, sheep that had no idea what a "break" was, but did know that Quicksilver was cooler than Rusty. 

The skateboarders were the worst.  Whereas skateboarding itself has always been a rebellious act (after all you are jumping around on someone else's property), the skaters felt the need to be complete and utter assholes whenever possible.   Although not always the case, it was mostly true that if you wanted to fit in with the "skater crowd" you had to wear baggy jeans, pierce your left ear, smoke cigarettes, hang out with dirty (yet usually attractive, loud, anorexic) girls, fail classes, and ultimately fall-in to the tired stereotype of the confused fuck-up.  It is great for our gene pool that no one really skateboards any more.  Losers.

Snowboarders are pretty much the same as skaters, except they probably have richer parents because of the necessity to buy the more expensive gear and requisite marijuana.  The inline-skaters were more likely to have effeminate tendencies, the motocross crowd was typically more blue-collar, and the BMX bikers were never that cool to begin with. 

I would have sworn that as the conventional media and corporations (ESPN, Mountain Dew, Cheetos, The Olympics, etc.) began embracing this neglected demographic that the advocates would respond negatively because of the supposed need to rebel against the mainstream.   But unfortunately I was mistaken and the fans only grew in number (now including the people who were spineless enough to have always been considered "mainstream").

So what now will be the new extreme sport, whose fans will draw my fiery Indian ire?  I do not necessarily consider Mixed Martial Arts to be an "extreme" sport, but I do see the same repugnant characteristics in the crowd at UFC as I do with the crowd at the X-Games – hopped up on Red Bull and Ritalin and in desperate need of instant gratification. 
 
There is no chance that Professional Poker is "extreme," but the sunglass wearing, go-all-in-from-the-flop, scream and yell poker enthusiasts are equally as annoying (except chances are they are listening to Eminem on their Ipods and not extreme Fall-Out Boy.

I don’t think that fantasy football or Nintendo Wii really counts.

So we shall wait to see what will be the next crazy athletic activity to entice the addictive personalities of America.  Presently, there are plenty of assholes to keep EXPN busy for a while and provide multiple cross-promotions with the Warped Tour; and as such, plenty of sporting events that Harish will watch from home, and have no desire to attend.  Assholes.