Remember in seventh grade when you first sprouted some tits? Oh you guys had so much fun going to the mall, smacking your chewing gum and dangling dozens of key chains off your purses. You’d go into Victoria’s Secret and try on the B-cup underwires, and even though you didn’t really fit into it right you felt sexy because it was different than the training bras you were used to, or the bulky chest contraption that your mother wore.

In high school you bought your first thong from Victoria’s Secret and wore it the night that Jimmy fingered you in the back seat of his parents’ Altima. You’d stand in front of your mirror wearing the lingerie and even though you hated your body because you didn’t look like Tyra Banks, you still felt sensual as you vomited away those excess pounds.

In college it was a requisite of your sorority to wear VS undergarments when going out because your sisters wanted to be known as the “lady in the street, but freak in the bed” house. Your older sister once chastised you for not having enough black bras, and then again for wearing them underneath a light colored shirt.

Now you don’t really like going into Victoria’s Secret that much anymore. It doesn’t really seem sexy, but trashy. You hate going into the store because of all the teenie-bop girls (oh the irony!), fat Latina women, and horny husbands trying to hit on the sales staff. You probably now realize that even though your feminine hormones will evolve and intensify, you will never again have that sensation of feeling seductively dangerous. No, now wearing sexy lingerie is just something that you have to in order to find (and keep) a husband long enough until you can have kids and then just buy the cheap JC Penny stuff. It’s downhill from here sweetheart.
-Suzy Cue



ATTENTION GUYS: If you take home a chick and she is wearing Victoria’s Secret make sure to wrap it up because she’s probably pretty filthy… and by filthy I mean “syphilised.” That shit used to be sexy, now it’s just plain white trash. Also, watch your wallet. I mean, this girl can’t even afford to buy herself some nice Frederick’s or Barney’s shit.
-W with Double View