The normal life trajectory of an average* Brooks Brothers wearer:

EARLY CHILDHOOD: Although mother and father were initially pleased that you were absorbing some of the Spanish that Eva, the Guatemalan nanny, would say while attending to you, they fired her when you referred to the Hamptons summer house as estupido.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: When the other children on the playground would taunt, "My daddy can beat up your daddy," you would commonly respond with, "My daddy employs your daddy… for now."

JUNIOR HIGH: In seventh grade, your teachers were quite impressed when you founded the Stamford Junior High Young Republicans' Club – well before any of your classmates began the overachieving campaign to get into a good university.

HIGH SCHOOL: The first time you had sex was no different than any other sixteen year old's experience – on the schooner, after doing cocaine with Bridgette Halloway, your 19-year old second cousin from Nantucket.

COLLEGE: As a junior in the shady "everyone knows a girl who claims to have been date raped there" fraternity at Cornell, you received your first outward compliment regarding your Brooks Brothers fashion preference when a drunk freshman named Cindy used one of your "fancy" French cuffs to wipe the puke off her mouth before passing out on an upstairs couch.

WALL STREET: Even though it defied logical medical explanation, you somehow turned 50-years old immediately after you graduated college and started as a summer analyst with JP Morgan (focusing on structured products and credit derivatives). Your face somehow morphed from being playful and Waspy, to being aged and malcontent.

You have one primary objective in life: develop a net worth that rivals your father's - so as to not disgrace the family name. As such, the rest of your life remains grim, predictable, and uninspired. Your greatest joy is watching the light flicker off your Brooks Brothers cufflinks while you choke yourself and masturbate into the Marketplace section of the Wall Street Journal in between GMAT study sessions.

*Relatively speaking of course.

-Vincent Face