Princeton is actually relatively affordable. I mean, if you really wanted to promote yourself as a rich asshole devoid of social courtesy, you could have just bought new rims for your Benz (with Connecticut plates). But, really a simple Princeton t-shirt will suffice just fine. It is still a mystery as to how the effort for diversity at one of our nation’s top institutions still attracted the snottiest prep students from around the country. Oh, and either way, you’re still choosing to live in New Jersey.

HOW TO IDENTIFY: By the sweep the wind made in his sandy-blonde hair, the pleats in his Polo khakis, the brown of his Johnston and Murphy loafers, and the malcontent speculation that he may never be as good as his father – all supplemented by the shit-eating grin of self-adulation.

Fuckable Factor: What your private tutor at Kaplan didn't teach you: FIND THE SLUTTY SUITEMATE. Strike up some conversation with the art history majors about flying buttresses and cross rib vaulting. Tell that although you love Venice, you prefer Florence and that youre thinking about doing study abroad there because you find the quattrocento so fascinating. Then tell her you have an eating club in your pants and there's a reservation with her name on it. But prior to this, send a car to pick her up at Newark, and taunt her with the hope of beautiful shoreside memories by the Borgata. Borgata…sounds Italian right??? - OGT