FSU is another one of those schools that is renowned mostly for its football program and esteemed curriculum, a Latin word that translates roughly as “a good source of ecstasy, fake tits, and low self-esteem.” Needless to say, the football program is in decline, led by a geriatric coach and boosters that would not hesitate to inject your child with tuberculosis for the opportunity to actually play again on New Year’s Day. Even the tropical connotation of a Floridian school does not necessarily apply because the school is located in the ungodly panhandle. Going to school here is not advancing yourself much at all, unless you consider ‘judging those uglier than you’ to be an “advancement.”

HOW TO IDENTIFY: Working at his uncle’s residential brokerage firm in Jacksonville, he really likes Julie, the receptionist, but can’t allow himself to ask out a “fatty.”